My Journal!

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 05:01:04 GMT

isnt it great, when u find some1 that u think u can spend your life with??
well may sound like a happy ending but ill ell you what, it fucking ant!!,... worse feeling ever, when you want to give them everything, and to be the one to make you happy...but they make up excuses to not be with you...and find out that they have slep with some1 else?

tonight i found out that the guy i love slept with some1 that he had been talking to for a while. i gave him the chance to tell me last week but he told me he doesnt want anyone else, and he cares for me, but then i find out hes seeing her again 2morro!

i ended up poring water over him, calling him a c*unt and chucking the bottle at him, then having a panic attact nearly stopped breathing and being sick......now thats what you call love....

but what makes it worse is i regret it, i regret pouring water over him n stuff n would proberlly forgive him cause i love him.
please tell me thats wrong and i need help? im sitting up at 6 in the morning thinking to myself why do i fucking bother? i give my all to someone, and get nothing back i dont deserve it, but its the best i can do to be honist!

GAAA!!!

i need to turn gay!!!

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:08:59 GMT

well 2day was an alright day!!!!

i loved walking down the catwalk, loads of cameras on me!!! and people lookin at me!!
it was such a nice feeling, i donno what it was

just felt special,

and now i really should be getting on with my work!! but tbh i cba!
im tired, and feel a bit meh!!
and love is still on my mind,

i think when i find some1 i can give my heart to
nothing else will matter!! my life will b compleate and i wont need anything else!

but like i have said before lifes a bitch!!!!! :/

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 23:22:57 GMT

well i feel kinda stupid! :/
lost in emotion!

like i wanna sit and write meaningless words down!

some guy i have known since school told me that he wants to meet up with me soon?
i didnt believe him when he ment to just watch a film,
so i told him im not going to sleep with him!!!

do u know what he turned round n said???

"aww y not?"
"i wanna have sex with you cause ur fit"

i mean how degrading and hurtful is that!!!
do i come across as a whore?

what do i have to do to get noticed by the right guy!!

ahhh i h8 it when there is nice films on that make u cry!!! its so romantic, it makes my tummy go all funny
i want what they have!!!

a place in the park where they had there first kiss,

its soooooo like sad :/
there so in love!!! :(

GRRRRRRR

poem from the heart

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 23:08:29 GMT

To the guy from my dreams...

I'm very unsure of how to explain this to you,
But just as a warning everything I say is true,
From that first hug on that Friday night,
I had this feeling inside of me saying this will be right,
I find it hard to have you out of my sight,

When I lyed on you hearing your heart,
It makes me close my eyes and got me thinking back to the start,
When I heard you breathing,
I knew that I will never be leaving,
Your home smell,
Casts a loving spell,
And to look into your brown eyes,
Made me see what we have is far from lies,

People say you only cry when your sad,
But I cant agree because what we had was far from bad,
Our love got stronger with every heartbeat,
Making us almost too strong to compete,

If time stood still forever,
I would hope we would still be together,
Because to loose you would kill me inside,
Meaning if we are parted that would be the day my heart died,
I don't know what you did but you drove my heart insane,
I hoped that feeling remained the same,
Maybe one day I can call you more than what I do today,
I could never shut up about you, there is simply too much I can say,

That's how much for you I feel,
That's why I truly believe everything we had is real,
You have a power to make everything seem,
Like I'm living in this amazing dream,
I refuse to wake up because when I'm with you its like my life's planned,
I felt so safe when we were hand in hand,

You are a boy I never thought I would ever get,
Anything we do I could never regret,
Well unless one of us gave up then I would be really upset,
But I promise one thing and this is what I swear,
I will always care for you and be there too,
Inside I sometimes feel sick,
To think that I would be the girl you wanted to pick,
I'm glad that you did pick me,
Because any other girl couldn't love you as much as I do, so as you see,
You clearly mean a lot to me,
There is so much more I could say,
I could put this pen to paper and write about you for days,
If something has a true meaning in your heart you can find thousands of ways to say it,
To me I feel this is not the end,
And that we will always look to each other as more than just a friend,
this feeling its too pure,
Therefore I don't believe I will need any type of cure.
♥ xXx ♥
for someone that mean alot to me

Fri, 23 May 2008 12:41:36 GMT

well that solvs everything. i have fucked things up again, in matters of minuits!!! im such a fuck up, and alone!!!

make another mistake amy why not!,
nick had just told me that i was spying on him, i wernt :S i just asked his m8 to start a convo aout me to see what they said!!
omg im such a twat!! and now realise that was the most childish thing to do ever!!!!

thats a whole year down the drain of friendship and love because of me!!!!

i so need to get over this!!!! but how!!!

im so i donno, lost atm, i have one friend that cares!!!

omg!!!! im so hating myself at this moment!!!!
i dont no what to do!!! FFS!!!!

y cant i b like everyone else!!! SANE!!!!!!

an impossability!!

Fri, 23 May 2008 12:23:08 GMT

Well i haven't writen on here 4 a while.

I spose i never did because i thought no1 cared, and the right people wernt reading my journal,
Because i wrote all my feelings down, all i ever wished for was was for him to read them.
but that was am impossability!!

i had a weird dream last night. That nick told me he had met someone else. i actually wok up in shock!
i mean how do u tell someone how u feel about them, when u hurt them bad before?

and the fact that ive been heartbroken before, and messed around enough by guys. ive realised he was the only one that loved me 4 me!!

i really dont know whats wrong with me, no guys seem to be intrested. ive got such a big heart but no one seems to understand it.
i just want to meet a nice guy to hang out with and feel wanted.

i think thats an impossability aswell to be honist!

my college work seems to be going ok aswell, i just need to get some drive to do my work, instead of sittin infrount of the tv, thinking about things, i should be doing my work. theres no point in thinking and dreaming about going to uni, if i dont do the work needed to get in to uni in the first place!! i really cant wait to get to uni tho, my own freedom and privacy! and not stuck in shitty eastbourne!!!

no one seems to be fun here anymore, its always the same thing. i need some new friends to hang around with that i can go to gigs with, and that invite me over to partys and stuff. i see them all hanging round town and college in the little stereotypical groups!! but really i elong in one of them, they seem to have som much fun, but they dont seem intrested in talking to me :S

i suppose i have been an outsider since primary school, so i should be used to it by now............

the past week

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:33:35 GMT

this past week has been so full ov emotions,
dont no if i will be able to cope much longer,
its hard when people get the wrong impression of you,
its so hard to describe what im feeling,

i do anything to help my friends, but they dont seem to realise it,
i put my feelings n problems aside to go see them and to try chear them up,
id even travle miles to go see them to make sure there ok!

im just disapointed i guess,
feeling lonley

and the fact that the guy i thought liked me, has some1 alse,
how stupid could i have been
just sods law really dont it!
cant win eva way!

i wonder if anyone would notice if i just disapeared,
i mean im at home alone 4 the weekend,
so no1 would know!

ah well
x

well that proves something!!!.........

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:00:33 GMT

omg what is it with people these days!!!
you think there your friend
and they give u the cold sholder, and act totally different
then some1 asks you whats wrong, so u tell thhem that ur best m8 ant talking to u n ur worried bout them
n then u get shouted at
and everything is about me!!!
or if it ant then i make it about me!!!
im like WFT!!!!
cant do anything right!!!!
thats the point!!!! y should i care anymore!!
the two people that i count on the most dont give a shit!!!
shows im wanted dont it!!!

meh!

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:39:00 GMT

dont you just hate it when u feel like MEH!
like nothing is going wright!!!!
"ONLY BORING PEOPLE GET BORED"....
but when there is only you, ur more than likly to get bored, when im with ppl im noway a boring person!!!
ahhhhh
i think im gonna go hack my bros computer!!!!!
and play WoW!!!!
lol
omg some1 shoot me!!!
xx

maybe the biggest mistake of my life?

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 20:18:55 GMT

well....
where do i start?
this prob wont make much sence but it will make me feel a hell ov a lot better getting everyones views on this.

i have been talking to this guy nick for a year now,
and i would like to say that we have been through alot together but mostly my problems
see i can talk to him about anything but hes the type that holds stuff back n dont talk about his problems, and when hes not in a good mood u can tell cause he ant talkative or all u get back is one word answers.

but bout a month befor xmas i met him for the first time, and before this i feel in love with him, and he said down the phone to me that he loved me..........i was the happyest person in the world.
but after meeting him, things got bad in his life, i tryed to be there for him.......but when a guy dont talk about his problems its hard
i mean if any of you have been in the situation where u know something is wrong and all u wanna do is help n make things better but cant cause u dont no what to say cause they dont want help, u will see what i mean right?? its hard??
and after meeting him a couple more times i loved him so much, and justg wanted to be with him 24/7
but not knowing how he felt about me cause he had other stuff going on and didnt want to talk to anyone, i felt like he didnt want me,
selfish maybe??
but i didnt know what to do.......
i was confuzed......
and i made the mistake by talking to this guy about my problems, n i got attention that i wanted from nick from this guy......
and one thing led to another........
not hearing anything from nick.......
so i made the hugest mistake , by trying to forget about nick and move on...
week or 2 later and i had slight feelings for this guy n he had feelings for me, and wanted to ask me out and stuff,
but i was unsure that i was using this guy as a rebound.......

anyway skipping all that stufff (cause im loosing track lol sorry)

nick finally talked to me 1-2weeks later, and asked who this guy was. i was woundering to myself why he was so bothered that i had moved on... cause nick was the one that hadnt talked to me for ages.
what was i suposed to ov done? sat there worrying? making myself sick? not eating cause i didnt have a clue what was going on?

then maybe 2weeks later nick told me everything, and why he didnt talk to me for a while....... he told me he was sorting his life out and his problems so he could start a new one with me, wanting to get a flat together and introducing me to his family.... and maybe even getting engaged at xmas!!!!
i was shocked
this was everything i wanted with him.....i wanted a life with him

so why didnt i talk it when i had the chance!!!!!!!

i should have just got rid of that guy i had feelings for cause a month down the line the guys feelings changed and chucked everything in my face!!!! i was used!!!

after this i realised i had made the biggest mistake of my life....chucking away everything i always wanted for some month fling!!!!!!!!
i have started talking to nick again but he says he can never forgive me for what i did, i made him cry and broke his heart. and i wernt there for him when i said i always would be!!!!!
i told him i missed him.......but now i think he just thinks that i want him back cause i have noone alse,
but thats not the case!!!
how do i make him realise that he is the one for me,???? i want to be the one he loves...
and after seeing him again at the weekend, i left his absolutlly hating myself!!!!!
now im stuck....... i really wanna tell him that i wanna be with him again but i know ive hurt him, and what if he dont want me cause i hurt him before...and that he will never forgive me
im so stuck!!!!!!
and i dont think i can live with knowing ive made the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!
if i get into the uni i wanna go to he is gonna be living just round the corner!!!!!! wtf am i gonna do!!!!!
he wont listen to me now, n he dont seem like he wants to talk to me,
one word answers!!!!!!!
its fucking anoying!!!!!!!

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:59:55 GMT

i can tell ya one thing im confuzed about is this site

its soooo fucking confuzin!!!
yeh i realise that i can write stuff on here,
but like the comments and messaging ppl
im like AHHHHH lol WTF!!!

ahhh my brain hurts
theres so many buttons to click on and
the search thing
:S
it really needs to be made clearer
haha
im loosing my mind!!!!!
and really in the mood to wright loads
i think ill post another blog
hahah
feel sorry 4 u lot that are gonna be bored enought to read this
cause its a loada shit
dont u agree??
lol
x

an explanation

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:36:00 GMT

well this is my first journal post
i wonder is anyone will read it?
i have no clue how o work this thing but i need somewhere to write all my thoughts down
and get peoples opinions on them

just put it this way i have been through alot of shit, and some times its hard to deal with.
like family problems.... relationship disasters....and feeling like nothing is going right and your so alone.
but i realise its not only me that feels like that n go through all those things
but when u dont have many close friends that are always there 4 you its hard to deal with.

you will find out more about my life as i post more journals
and im not expecting ppl to read it,
but in some ways i supose writing ur problems down helps